Teenage Love

fairydragon10
Professor

The Dragon Tamer

Posts: 73

Teenage Love Jul 10, 2013 14:56:31 GMT

Quote

Post by fairydragon10 on Jul 10, 2013 14:56:31 GMT

I can't help it
I know I shouldn't
Yet I have

Not you
You are forbidden
You who have admitted to it
And then went with another

But I fell so hard in the beginning
And I still haven't figured out how to stand

She's gone now
And you came to me for support
Because you said it to her

Are you thinking of me now
Do you want me now
Will you ask me now

If you do I should say no
But I won't
Because I never got the chance
We never got that chance

We were manipulated
like the people in mom's soap operas
I think
But I'm not sure

Maybe it was just me being manipulated
Maybe

I will try to say no
But if you ask
I think I'll say yes

Yesh. I wrote this in the car during a 4 hour drive. Not sure why I came up with it, but once I did I had to get it out of my system. I'm not sure if its any good, so critiques are requested.
Thanks!

Last Edit: Jul 11, 2013 1:35:56 GMT by fairydragon10

Sleeves
Dark Lord

A Dastardly Fellow

"I have no interest in understanding sheep--only eating them."

Posts: 230

Teenage Love Jul 10, 2013 20:55:56 GMT

Quote

Post by Sleeves on Jul 10, 2013 20:55:56 GMT

I love sappy romantic poetry. I can't stand writing it, but I'm fine reading it.

And this, my friend, is some sappy romantic poetry.

For some reason I was expecting that in the end the narrator was going to kill the love interest in some grim twist. That would have been cool.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Yes, I love it! I like the reference to soap operas. Good stuff.

The only thing I would consider is adding commas. I think they would add to the flow and enhance appropriate pauses and all that jazz.

Keep up the good work, I hope to see more from you!

"We are trying to unravel the Mighty Infinite using a language which was designed to tell one another where the fresh fruit was."
-Terry Pratchett

fairydragon10 Professor The Dragon Tamer Posts: 73	Teenage Love Jul 11, 2013 1:29:08 GMT Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by fairydragon10 on Jul 11, 2013 1:29:08 GMT Thanks. I'm never sure wether I should use punctuation in poetry or not.

Sleeves Dark Lord A Dastardly Fellow "I have no interest in understanding sheep--only eating them." Posts: 230	Teenage Love Jul 11, 2013 1:32:29 GMT Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Sleeves on Jul 11, 2013 1:32:29 GMT Don't stress, there's no right or wrong way to use punctuation in freeverse. It's really just preference. You can leave it out altogether if you think it sounds good.
	"We are trying to unravel the Mighty Infinite using a language which was designed to tell one another where the fresh fruit was." -Terry Pratchett

Arctura
Dark Lord

Pre-Raphaelite

We have lost the abstract sense of beauty. - Oscar Wilde, The Portrait of Dorian Grey

Posts: 400

Teenage Love Jul 17, 2013 19:34:38 GMT

Quote

Post by Arctura on Jul 17, 2013 19:34:38 GMT

Sorry if this is a late reply, but I've been busy helping my brother study PMP and my SAT stuff, so I haven't been on the site for a LONG while. Um, I'll go now and reply to all of your stuff and post some of my own.
I like this poem because of the conflict the narrator shows, but as Sleeves said before me, I would've rather liked a murderous twist. Those always get me.

Life, like a dome of many-coloured glass,
Stains the white radiance of Eternity,
Until Death tramples it to fragments.

- Adonaïs, Percy Bysshe Shelley

The Bayesian Conspiracy

Post by fairydragon10 on Jul 10, 2013 14:56:31 GMT

Post by Sleeves on Jul 10, 2013 20:55:56 GMT

Post by fairydragon10 on Jul 11, 2013 1:29:08 GMT

Post by Sleeves on Jul 11, 2013 1:32:29 GMT

Post by Arctura on Jul 17, 2013 19:34:38 GMT

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